30 Day Challenge #1: Write Every Day

Inspired by Morgan Spurlock and my general sense of creative ennui, I've decided to start issuing myself 30 day challenges. Basically I'm going to have to do, or not do, something for 30 days straight in an attempt to force myself to follow through on my creative/fitness/dietary goals. Mostly the first category, since the third is doomed to failure. The idea is that at the end of the 30 days I will carry some of these actions forward as habits, or choose to reject them completely.

My first goal: Write (on the internet, this blog in particular) every day.

Why?

I miss writing, a lot, and I'm only getting worse at it the more I don't do it. I used to get a lot of joy out of articulating a point of view through the written word, or at least writing a dumb joke that I thought was funny. The more time that passes since I've done it, the worse I get at it and the more intimidating writing becomes. I figure the more writing I do, the better I'll get at it and the less fucks I'll give about what anyone else thinks.

I chose to put it out on the internet like this, rather than just doing it, in order to shame myself into actually following through.

Perceived Challenges:

The biggest one is discipline. In college, contrary to the stereotype, I was highly disciplined: up every day at 6:30 AM, started all my papers 2 weeks in advance, juggled 3 or 4 full time responsibilities and still made time for what I wanted to do. As the things I "have" to do have turned into things I only "want" to do, my discipline has atrophied to the point of nonexistence. There's so many more passive ways to occupy my time- alcohol, netflix, comics. Creating something, even something that requires a relatively low amount of effort, may be more fulfilling in the long run but still takes far less mental energy than pressing play on hulu.

Secondly, topics. I used to feel like I had a strong, well articulated point of view on everything. Experience and alcohol have beaten a lot of the self-importance and higher cognitive function out of me. I'm actually looking forward to the daily scramble for inspiration. I may write some stuff that is legit crap, but it will help me get better, right? ... Right?

Hopeful takeaway:

Focus on process over product. In other words, if I write something about a subject, it doesn't have to be THE DEFINITIVE take on it. Hopefully I'll have some insight and the final product wont't be terrible, but really what I'm hoping is to get something out of having written it and to better understand how I think about things. 

Also, to realize that the most important readership is me. No one reads my blog anyway, so it's not like I'm letting some huge audience down or putting sponsorships that put food on my table in jeopardy. I'm not going to get any better at writing, or any more enjoyment out of it, by getting really worked up and worried about it a lot and then not actually acting on it. The only things I've ever created that people like are things that I didn't care if people liked- I did them because I liked them. That may be a trite "insight," but it's still true.

....

This counts as entry #1.

My Bio

I just moved across the country for work. My new boss wanted to send out an email welcoming me to the team, so she asked me for a short bio. I sent her the following:

"Like many men who went on to change the world, Christopher spent the first 12 years of his life being raised by wolves. After mastering the art of the kill, his lupine parents packed him up and sent him away to Space School on the moon. It was there he first developed his passion for lasers and achieved Master Carpenter Status. He attended College University State where he Triple Majored in Government, Business and Being Radical with a minor in keg stands. Christopher is fluent in 17 fictional languages; including Elvish, Klingon and pig-latin; and can multiply any two numbers in his head if allowed the use of a calculator. His favorite color is rainbow and he has counted to infinity twice. His hobbies include Dinosaurs, Satellite Telemetry and Sculpy and he hopes to one day get advanced degrees in the “Three Rs” Reading, ‘Riting and ‘Rithmetic. Chris Wieman is 6’1”, blonde-haired, blue eyed and bemused. His best friend is Bigfoot, his sister is a chupacabra and his childhood pet is Babe: Pig in the City. He spent a year in college speaking only in rhyme but he thinks he could do it again, given the time."

I also sent her a more heavily edited version. It's unclear which she will use.

The Hunger Games (If I Wrote it)

Earlier today my friend posted this on Twitter: "Just because the intended audience is YA is no excuse for crappy, lazy writing. Shameful, Suzanne Collins!! #hungergames #pretentiousreader"

I have never read a word of the Hunger Games, but I am aware of the books. My aunt, who is a teacher, was raving about them last time I saw her. Anyway, after reading my friends Tweet this scene popped into my head fully formed. It has no bearing on the premise of the books.

If I wrote hunger games (lazily, crappily and shamefully):

(A guy and girl are seated playing a game of Scrabble. The guy plays "Hamburger")

Guy: 17! And double word score makes it 34. Pretty good!

Girl: Fuck, that word is crazy long. How did you pull that off?

Guy: It helped that you played Ham last turn.

Girl: Right, but that's an acronym: Hard As a Motherfucker. You have to imagine the periods. What you built off my word is not in the spirit of what I played.

Guy: Are you serious right now? I'm pretty sure the Scrabble dictionary wasn't written by Wocka Flocka Flame.

Girl: (smirks) fiiiine

(Girl plays "Burrito")

Girl: Blegh, only 9 points.

Guy: Valiant effort though. I'm starting to notice a theme to our games.

Girl: Me losing?

Guy: No, they always end up revolving around food. First Candy Land, now this.

Girl: Two things do not make a trend.

Guy: Have you also forgotten that I am Takeru Kobayashi, the world's most famous competitive eater?

Girl: Oh my god you're right, it's almost like we're playing some sort of ... Hunger Games!

(Both the guy and girl slowly turn and stare directly into the camera)

Guy: Oh shit! Look at this! I wasn't even thinking but look at what I just played.

(They slowly turn to look at the board. Camera zooms in to a tight shot of his last play- "Symbolism")

Girl: 19 points. Bingo...

(Cue the sound effect they played during "Lost" right before commercial breaks)
.......................

Hollywood, just post in the comments if you are interested in the rest of my script.


I also started thinking about other Hunger Games:

The Game of Cinnamon Life

Apples to Apple Pie

Scrapple

Hide and Seek out the nearest McDonalds

CraniYUM

Candy Land


*With apologies to Nate Cosby, whom I stole the (If I Wrote It) idea from

Hip-Hop Puns

These have been rolling around in my head for a long time. I'm sure there are lots of other great ones. If you think of one, leave it in the comments!

#JayZRomComs

99 Problems (but a Hitch ain't one)

Runaway Bride This town

Hard Knocked Up Life

As Real Good As It Gets

Roc (About a) boys

Excuse Me Miss (Congeniality)

The Goodbye Girl(s, Girls, Girls)

Crazy in Love, Actually

Heart of the City (Ain't No Eat, Pray, Love..)

Can I Get a What, What Women Want

#ClassicHipHop
50 Cents & Sensibility

Kanye West Side Story

Snoop Dogg Day Afternoon

The Big Pun Also Rises

Oliver Twista

How I Could Just Kill a Mockingbird

The BlackStar Stallion

Emma-nem (credit: Alex T.)

The Fresh Prince and The Pauper

#HipHopNewWaveMashups

Waka Flocka' Seagulls

#UnusedHipHopAlbumTitles
Lord of the Fly

My Pitch for a Marvel 80's Rock Opera Event

This is my pitch for an 80's Rock Opera Marvel Event, set in Modern Times. Actually I mostly just wrote the climactic scene and filled in some details. I had a lot of fun writing this, even though I recognize it isn't so much "good" as much as it is "entertaining" (I hope).

Enjoy:
The sun has gone out in the Marvel Universe throwing the world into disarray.The Sentry/Void absorbed all the Sun's energy and then jetted off to explode another 999,999 suns (in order to regain the power of 1,000,000 Exploding suns). He will have to be dealt with at the end of the story(cue: Cold As Ice- Foreigner).
There will be several scenes, apropos of nothing, of the Punisher wearing night vision and totally getting the drop on disoriented villains/looters. I don't know if this contributes to the story, but it's something I want to see anytime, all the time. This will be shown in a montage of Punisher grabbing, stabbing and otherwise silently incapacitating criminals(cue: You Shook Me All Night Long-AC/DC)
The situation has led to Daredevil being hugely important as a leader and light/heat-emitting metas highly valued, often enslaved as a resource. Anyway, the darkness leads to several humans enslaving Inhuman children who have ambient light power and holding them in cages in central park- the food distribution/survival hub in the middle of New York(cue: Sweet Child o' Mine- Guns N' Roses).

Black Bolt is enraged, how dare humans treat his people as commodities(cue: We're Not Gonna Take It- Twisted Sister). Especially since they would have gladly offered help freely. He coordinates a rescue mission where the other Inhumans teleport in, grab the children and teleport away. Once they are clear Black Bolt, standing on the New Jersey Side of the George Washington Bridge inhales deeply and unleashes a scream designed to level the entire city of New York, and likely create seismic disturbances across the entire world(cue: It's The End of The World as We Know It-R.E.M.).

We see the sound waves ripping the bridge into pieces and creating a massive tidal wave in the Hudson River as it expands outward. Suddenly everything goes silent and into slow motion. (Cue: The Final Countdown-Europe) A stage rises from the ground with speakers as tall as apartment buildings and Dazzler poised ready to rock the city of New York. Just as the intro is nearing it's end the speakers tilt straight to the sky. The sound wave hits the stage just as the song picks up. Dazzler's power turns all the sound into light and funnels it straight into the sky! Blackbolt yells again and again but is continually rebuffed by the power of Dazzler's rocking (cue: I Wanna Rock-Twisted Sister).This continues through the duration of the song until both Black Bolt and Dazzler are both visibly exhausted. She is dancing/singing/roller skating as hard as she can but isn't sure if she can take another blast(cue:Living on a Prayer-Bon Jovi). Quicksilver sees her starting to fade and realizes she needs help. He takes off as fast as he can(cue:I Ran-Flock of Seagulls). He is joined by Spitfire also running at superspeed(cue: Legs-ZZ Top), who asks "How Can I help, Oy wot wot cheerio and all that." "Distract him however you can!"


Using her superspeed, Spitfire circles behind the resting Blackbolt with her superspeed and, using her vampire enhanced strength, flings Medusa far away. The fatigued Blackbolt doesn't notice. Spitfire, doing her best Medusa impression, seductively reaches out to the collapsed Blackbolt, "I've got just the thing to perk you up"

He turns around in slow motion, expecting to see his loving queen(cue:The Power of Love- Huey Lewis & the News), only to have Spitfire punch him in the face (Sound Effect:Record Scratch; Cue:Never Gonna Give You Up-Rick Astley) "You just got Rick-Rolled, Bitch!"

Blackbolt spits the blood from his lips- the sound is enough to send Spitfire flying backwards into the pylons of the bridge, knocking her unconscious. "But I just wanted to heeelllpp..." She passes out (Cue:Wake me up before you Go-Go-Wham!)


Black Bolt, collapsed from the sheer strain on his vocal chords, stands up with resolve for one final attack. Dazzler is clearly filled with self doubt and feeling very alone. She was so involved in rocking that she did not realize that all her friends have left to get her more backup, only that they are gone! (cue:Owner of a Lonely Heart-YES)


SUDDENLY, Quicksilver appears with the Power Pack, dressed a coordinated wardrobe with big hair and choreographed dance moves. (cue: The Right Stuff- New Kids on the Block). Dazzler is inspired and rises with new energy. "I just have to believe in myself!" (Cue: Don't Stop Believing-Journey).


BlackBolt unleashes a final yell, just as Living on a Prayer (reprise) reaches it's climactic scream. Dazzler grabs the mic, re-energized by Power Pack's musical pep talk, and gives it all she has but is still clearly fading. Cut to the people of New York, all wearing 80's shutter-shades and bright neon parachute pants and sweaters ripped so one shoulder is exposed cheering her on, chanting "Dazzler, Dazzler." Her dream has always been to move from the B-List to become a big star so she screams even harder, energized by the crowd. "Livin' on a PRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYEER!!"Cut away to a shot of Earth from space. The light she is generating creates a massive beam of energy that shoots off the planet like something out of Dragon Ball Z, straight into the sun- RE-IGNITING IT(Cue: Burning Down the House-The Talking Heads)! Dazzler's speakers burst under the strain as Black Bolt and Dazzler both collapse from exhaustion. Dazzler is carried, crowd-surf style on the hands of her new adoring fans like a rock-and-roll Jesus. But much like Jesus she's had to sacrifice for her followers- her vocal chords are torn and while she can speak- she will never sing again (cue:Every Rose Has It's Thorn-Poison).


We cut to various locations around the globe where people are celebrating sunlight on their faces (somehow everyone all at the same time even though the earth's rotation does not work that way): Boston(Cue: Peace of Mind-Boston), Chicago (Cue: You're The Inspiration-Chicago), Europe (cue: The Final Countdown-Europe), Kansas City( cue: Carry on My Wayward Son-Kansas), Africa (Cue:Africa-Toto), Asia in general(Cue: Heat of The Moment-Asia), and China in particular (cue:Chinese Democracy-Guns 'N Roses), and of course all the backstreets in the world (cue: I Want It That Way-The Backstreet Boys).

The Inhumans later apologize and everyone laughs about how silly they were all acting in the face of impending apocalypse. They all join in a group hug, now closer than ever(Cue: Keep On Loving You-REO Speedwagon).

Also they defeat the Sentry who has been stricken blind by Dazzler's light show (cue: She Blinded Me With Science- Thomas Dolby). The End.

The Craziest Thing I've Ever Written (So Far)

I wrote this as an email to my ex-girlfriend when I was very drunk after walking in circles for about half an hour talking to myself in this exact manner. It has absolutely no bearing on anything at all. I'm pretty proud of it. I left the typos in to give a sense of context. Enjoy:

"every moment without my powersuit the world's orbit decays. Without the monsters we will soon crash into the sun and teh wolfman will wonder what he ever did to deserve his fate. Truly frankenstein is the jesus of our age for is he nto resurrected in our image to teach us teh lessons of tomorrow and realize our limitations. we are not god but truly as we strive for our potential it is possible to imagein a reality that we define completelye. Mothra fights godzilla, but also our apathy and self-destructive tendency. He can only be sated by the world's largest jacket on which tofeed. Mothra prefers tweed but he will settle for corduroy. I will twitter my feeligns every day until the metaphor transforms into reality and my bird wings carry me away and i fly to happy town with my bluebird friends and sing about seeds. Seeds are planted every day and they bloom into our full potential. I am a sunflower that rotates to follow the sun. A solar battery that generates treates for baseball players i am flying through the cosmic ether that seperates people from each other and keeps them from knowing the innermost thoughts of the world mind. The planets align to bring us closer to perfect being but drive a wdge into the true meaning of togetherness. One day we will udnerstad the workings of the worldclock that drives the events forwad. A time traveller he rarely fought but simply altered events to his liking. When he defetad the stalin-bots of the 51st century he ralized that perhaps there was more to life than travel and decided to settel. it was then his real problems begain for he could no longer run to adiffernet when to escape the pain of everyday existance. The videos of my dancing have been greatly exxagerated but its safe to say i will always be able to break it down in a way tht most hip hoppers can only imagine. They may be hip and they sure can hop but i am awesome and i jump to the stars. Im a one-upper, tubthumper, candlea eating wiz kid with a bright vision of the future nd goggles that let me see into the soul mind of unborn generations ahead. The greatest generation is a misnomer for my cloned offspring will one day rule the world and teach tohers the meaning of loneliness. When the social network became self aware everhoynes status became hivemind and their friends all merged into one with one purpose- to spread and destroy. They knew the writing was on the wall but not being able to post on their wall made them all realize the severity of a world with no individualty. Could a world survive with no transdimensional hyper beings manipulating the economy? He didnt know but he was about to find out- he fired the gravity gun and as the world folded into itself he laughed, for this was nothing compared to finally beating space invaders and finding the hidden secrets on the eleventeenth level of ultimate secrecy. He truly knew completion. If the world is a turnip will a cosmic mario uproot and use it as a weapon upon his enemies- destroying them to prove to the world once and for all that he is superior to luigi despite his weight problem, inability to float, and dminished stature. If he could paint his feelings he would use electric pink and glitter. Unfortunately painting was a secret art lost to all but the most self-deprecating monks who understood the true nature of sacrifice and glory. They were the mechanized elite and used their robot arms to craete works of pure beauty that if gazed upon with anything less than a supercomputer with an imagination engine would make your brain leak out your ears and your nose explode.

good night."