Funkmaster Flex Really Likes "Otis"

Funkmaster Flex really likes the new Jay & 'Ye track Otis(sorry about the link, couldn't find an embeddable version). How much does he like it? He likes it so much that it takes him 19 minutes to premier a 3 1/2 minute song. He continually stops to drop bombs, rewinds to listen to the parts he likes("HAHA! He said he was gonna call the Paparazzi on HIMSELF!!") and talks shit- "If you new rappers go home and reasses your choices and your career! You rappers only breathe at certain times of the year, this is not one of them!"

 The choice quote is of course- "New York city you listen to me, if you're near a convenience store, any type of 24 hour store, go in the store right now in and put your hand in the cash register for no reason. That money is your money! As of right now!"

And you know what, it's completely awesome, both for it's ridculousness and because it is 100% sincere. This guy fucking loves this song And why wouldn't he? It's a hot track from two of the hottest rappers... ever. No hyperbole. The great thing is, he isn't pretending to be too cool to have a reaction, which I feel is rare. Funkmaster Flex is not only watching the throne, he is completely transfixed by it's shininess.

Though, of course, if you want the height of rap ridiculousness in 2011 look no further than this:

My Bio

I just moved across the country for work. My new boss wanted to send out an email welcoming me to the team, so she asked me for a short bio. I sent her the following:

"Like many men who went on to change the world, Christopher spent the first 12 years of his life being raised by wolves. After mastering the art of the kill, his lupine parents packed him up and sent him away to Space School on the moon. It was there he first developed his passion for lasers and achieved Master Carpenter Status. He attended College University State where he Triple Majored in Government, Business and Being Radical with a minor in keg stands. Christopher is fluent in 17 fictional languages; including Elvish, Klingon and pig-latin; and can multiply any two numbers in his head if allowed the use of a calculator. His favorite color is rainbow and he has counted to infinity twice. His hobbies include Dinosaurs, Satellite Telemetry and Sculpy and he hopes to one day get advanced degrees in the “Three Rs” Reading, ‘Riting and ‘Rithmetic. Chris Wieman is 6’1”, blonde-haired, blue eyed and bemused. His best friend is Bigfoot, his sister is a chupacabra and his childhood pet is Babe: Pig in the City. He spent a year in college speaking only in rhyme but he thinks he could do it again, given the time."

I also sent her a more heavily edited version. It's unclear which she will use.

The Hunger Games (If I Wrote it)

Earlier today my friend posted this on Twitter: "Just because the intended audience is YA is no excuse for crappy, lazy writing. Shameful, Suzanne Collins!! #hungergames #pretentiousreader"

I have never read a word of the Hunger Games, but I am aware of the books. My aunt, who is a teacher, was raving about them last time I saw her. Anyway, after reading my friends Tweet this scene popped into my head fully formed. It has no bearing on the premise of the books.

If I wrote hunger games (lazily, crappily and shamefully):

(A guy and girl are seated playing a game of Scrabble. The guy plays "Hamburger")

Guy: 17! And double word score makes it 34. Pretty good!

Girl: Fuck, that word is crazy long. How did you pull that off?

Guy: It helped that you played Ham last turn.

Girl: Right, but that's an acronym: Hard As a Motherfucker. You have to imagine the periods. What you built off my word is not in the spirit of what I played.

Guy: Are you serious right now? I'm pretty sure the Scrabble dictionary wasn't written by Wocka Flocka Flame.

Girl: (smirks) fiiiine

(Girl plays "Burrito")

Girl: Blegh, only 9 points.

Guy: Valiant effort though. I'm starting to notice a theme to our games.

Girl: Me losing?

Guy: No, they always end up revolving around food. First Candy Land, now this.

Girl: Two things do not make a trend.

Guy: Have you also forgotten that I am Takeru Kobayashi, the world's most famous competitive eater?

Girl: Oh my god you're right, it's almost like we're playing some sort of ... Hunger Games!

(Both the guy and girl slowly turn and stare directly into the camera)

Guy: Oh shit! Look at this! I wasn't even thinking but look at what I just played.

(They slowly turn to look at the board. Camera zooms in to a tight shot of his last play- "Symbolism")

Girl: 19 points. Bingo...

(Cue the sound effect they played during "Lost" right before commercial breaks)
.......................

Hollywood, just post in the comments if you are interested in the rest of my script.


I also started thinking about other Hunger Games:

The Game of Cinnamon Life

Apples to Apple Pie

Scrapple

Hide and Seek out the nearest McDonalds

CraniYUM

Candy Land


*With apologies to Nate Cosby, whom I stole the (If I Wrote It) idea from