Sunday, September 26, 2010

Hip-Hop Puns

These have been rolling around in my head for a long time. I'm sure there are lots of other great ones. If you think of one, leave it in the comments!

#JayZRomComs
99 Problems (but a Hitch ain't one)

Runaway Bride This town

Hard Knocked Up Life

As Real Good As It Gets

Roc (About a) boys

Excuse Me Miss (Congeniality)

The Goodbye Girl(s, Girls, Girls)

Crazy in Love, Actually

Heart of the City (Ain't No Eat, Pray, Love..)

Can I Get a What, What Women Want


#ClassicHipHop
50 Cents & Sensibility

Kanye West Side Story

Snoop Dogg Day Afternoon

The Big Pun Also Rises

Oliver Twista

How I Could Just Kill a Mockingbird

The BlackStar Stallion

Emma-nem (credit: Alex T.)

The Fresh Prince and The Pauper

#HipHopNewWaveMashups
Waka Flocka' Seagulls

#UnusedHipHopAlbumTitles
Lord of the Fly




Saturday, September 25, 2010

MACHETE!

The first thing you should know about Machete is that it is awesome. This movie knows exactly what it is, which is hilariously over the top and incredibly violent. Robert Rodriguez continues to excel in the genre of slickly made pastiches of trashy genres (Planet Terror, From Dusk Til Dawn).

For example at one point Machete(played by Danny Trejo "The Hardest Working Mexican in Hollywood") stabs a guy in the neck with a turkey thermometer. After the house he's in blows up, the thermometer boils over and shoots blood out the top. Sounds disgusting, but in context it is hilarious.


Lindsay Lohan's character is the embodiment of the this ridiculousness. She plays a parody of herself- the villain's daughter who is obsessed with doing whatever self-destructive stunts it takes to drive page views on her website. Despite her privileged life, she sneaks off every weekend to have drug-fueled sex romps in crack-houses (which her father ends by shooting everyone and reminding her that if she needs any drugs, all she needs to do is ask). After shooting illicit video for her website ("It's what my viewers want!") she is kidnapped and held in a church. She wakes up to see televisions stacked in the shape of a cross. This is a religious experience for Lohan, which in this movie means she dresses up like a nun and shoots a lot of anti-immigrant militia members with a .44 Magnum. Symbolism!!

The second, and more important thing, that you should know is that this is a movie that wears its politics on its sleeve. It's bloody, bloody sleeve. There are stand-ins for "America's Sheriff" Joe Arpaio, every race-baiting politician in America (Robert DeNiro, having a great time), and corporate interests who exploit illegal labor privately while publicly decrying it. These three characters like to go out in the Arizona desert and shoot immigrants and their families for sport. They take special joy in shooting the pregnant ones, because if their kids are born here they "get the same rights as us real Americans." Kind of scary how prescient this movie is, considering that it was in the can before Senators were publicly debating repealing the 14th amendment.

The evil Senator's plan is to frame Machete for an assassination attempt and then ride the wave of anti-immigrant hysteria into office. His campaign ads are essentially grindhouse movie trailers featuring over-the-top disturbing renditions of immigrants and labeling them parasites(flash to a shot of writhing maggots), and terrorists (flash to a shot of a terrorist attack), etc. They have that great deep, gravelly narration that every great grindhouse trailer has.

Ultimately DeNiro is shown to be just an opportunist. When circumstances change he is happy to throw on dayworker clothes, faded jeans and an oversized flannel shirt and fight alongside the illegals. The message is clear: fear-mongering politicians are not acting out of any conviction, just their own desire for power.

Other highly political events:

-Cheech Marin plays Machete's brother, a priest. There is a scene where he is literally crucified by the head of the corrupt Politician's PR team.

-Michelle Rodriguez is Shè(pretty clever), the leader of "The Network" which provides basic human services and support that are denied to illegal immigrants in America. She also organizes the immigrants in their tricked out low-riders (they shoot missiles and the hydraulics allow them to crush anti-immigrant militants- see it's functional, not stupid) when the inevitable conflict comes. This is, I'm sure, an exaggerated version of support networks that actually do exist, but it also strikes me as the right-wing nightmare. In a lot of racist's minds I'm sure it makes perfect sense that if illegal immigrants can provide each other basic support off the grid, they probably also have caches of weapons stored, ready for violence just in case.


-Deniro, dressed as a day laborer, ultimately killed by the anti-immigrant sentiment he created.


-Jessica Alba, the former immigrant turned Border Patrol agent, standing on the hood of her car rallying the day laborers gathered around the taco truck.


-"We didn't cross the border, the border crossed us"


-Machete ultimately rejecting the citizenship of a country that has mistreated him and others like him.


-American militants filming and broadcasting executions exactly the way Al-Qaeda has.



Other awesome things about this movie:

-During ultraviolent scenes the film will turn grainy and yellow, with cigarette burns, like it's an actual aged grindhouse reel. It's something that gives the film a level of detachment from the heightened reality while giving a nod to it's roots. When the bad guys commit ultra-violence, it is shown through a computer screen that goes digitally grainy.

-Machete rarely speaks and when he does, it is only in one-liners. "Machete don't text."

-"I just received a text." "What does it say?" "You just fucked with the wrong Mexican"

-There is a scene where Machete is locked in the backseat of a car by people pretending to be cops. He stabs the driver through the back of his seat with a Machete (go figure), and steers the car from the backseat by twisting the blade in his guts.

-Steven Segal commits Seppuku with a machete.

-Machete kills racist security gaurds with pruning shears and a weed-wacker that has knives instead of plastic wire.

-This movie has a Luchadore assassin, a Dog The Bounty Hunter character (played by "Sex Machine" from "From Dusk 'Til Dawn"), and Sopranos security guards

-Motorcycle with a minigun strapped to the front.

-Get Ready for the sequels: "Machete Kills" and "Machete Kills Again"


As for how I feel about this issue, I think Stephen Colbert put it best (out of character):


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Birthday Present Ideas: vol. 1

Eventually it is going to be my birthday. At that time all of you, my devoted readers (ALL of you), will be faced with a quandary. "Wow," you will think to yourselves, "I have hundreds, maybe thousands, of extra dollars lying around and I cannot decide the optimal way to spend them on my good friend Christopher."

Well, worry no more. This is the first in a series of helpful guides to things that you can buy for me. You are incredibly welcome for this important public service.



Look! Original Minimalist art featuring Galactus, the World Eater. Sure would look great on my wall next to Superman, the Mets and that fight between the Whale, Squid and T-Rex.




More Galactus? Yes but in an entirely different medium. Not only is it the coolest looking thing I've ever seen, it's like 3 feet tall! Have I mentioned I have a mantle now?

Escapist culture is great, but what about being entertained while learning important lessons about the depressing way the world is these days? The Wire: Complete Series DVD Boxed Set is both engaging and socially enriching! They're even teaching it at Harvard! What a great potential gift.

One day I'm going to have a trophy room to fill with treasures from my conquests of faraway lands, Dragon's gold, and statues made by the finest craftsmen. I will also put my sweetest Lego creations on rotating dais lit from below. And then I will get a plaque saying that I am the finest crafstman! And if anyone tries to take anything, there's going to be an Indiana Jones rolling boulder, booby-trapped arrow situation. Anyway, if any of you get super-rich and decide to be very generous come December- this child-sized Millenium Falcon is Bitchin' as all get-out.



I know you are all excited, my birthday is mere months away! But, and here is the real tragedy, you are likely squabbling amongst yourselves. "These things are so cool!" you are saying to yourselves and each other. "Reasonably priced for our budgets as well. But, who gets to purchase these things for him! THERE'S JUST NOT ENOUGH TO GO AROUND!!"

I'm here to tell you, it's going to be alright. This is only volume one! Now I'm no Kanye but I have plenty of ridiculously extravagant desires well outside my price range. Sure they are plenty nerdy, and you may not have an intuitive grasp of my tastes in that area, but that's ok! That is the entire point of this ongoing series. So get ready, there's more coming and I'm more than willing to bow to the will of my audience by presenting more things you may be interested in purchasing me.

Monday, September 13, 2010

In Honor of the Start of Football Season: NFL SUPERPRO

Phil Grayfield was an NFL football player until he injured his knee saving a child. He becomes a reporter and interviews a scientist/superfan who has built the ULTIMATE NFL UNIFORM!! When thieves invade the scientist's lab and light his priceless NFL memorabilia on fire, the combination of regret-fueled flames and super-scientific chemicals transform Phil Greyfield into an INDESTRUCTIBLE SUPERHERO!! Donning the suit (without permission) he becomes NFL SUPERPRO!!

His iconic and timeless images are offered below.


Wild about highly synergistic cross-marketing campaigns, that is!
This is what a career defined by concussions will do to you.
Commentary on racist sports mascots, or just kinda racist?
More like NFL Super-Bro, Amirite!?!
In the future, football is played for the highest stakes of all!! Bright, lasery stakes!
I'll trade you 3 NFL SuperPros for something that's worth anything? A sandwich?
Really? Fumbling the zeppelin-sized laser football? Not exactly living up to your namesake, are you?
What's stronger: bullets, or ABS OF STEEL!! (Thank you 8:00 Abs)
The Team-up demanded by YOU, THE READERS!! Wait, what readers?
But what fans, SuperPro? WHAT FANS!?!?!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.


"The Adventures of Brisco County Jr." is a 1993 Western Sci-Fi Comedy featuring Bruce Campbell with a Looney Tunes sensibility and a great deal of punnery. It has dialogue that can be painful, situations that can feel incredibly forced, and a ton of really stupid gimmicks. In other words, this show is my 13 year old self's favorite thing in the entire world. I love it now!

Bruce Campbell plays Brisco County Jr. a Harvard educated lawyer/cowboy whose father, Brisco County, was killed by the notorious outlaw John Bly in search of a mysterious Orb that has some sort of supernatural power. His best friend is Lord Bowler, a habitually angry bounty hunter who is the best tracker in the west. His girlfriend, Dixie (she whistles a lot), is a showgirl. He also has a talking horse named Comet that only Brisco can communicate with. They both work for a society of Robber Barons who give them tasks that supply the show with problem of the episode when the overall plot isn't being addressed.

(The McGuffin.. I mean Orb)

What is this show about? It's about 44 minutes per episode; har, har har. Seriously though, it's about the importance of progress, living up to your father's legacy, time travel, faith, and whatever lesson is being imparted that week. It's also about 26 episodes total. The lessons are dealt with in a very neat & tidy, after school special manner; but that fits the tone. They aren't trying to speak to the human condition on any deep level. They are trying to entertain you; 44 minutes at a time. And any time Bruce Campbell is on screen is time that I will be entertained.

This show is incredibly PG. I'd say it is PG as fuck. People forget to fire their guns constantly and I don't think anyone is ever actually shot, just shot at. If anyone is incapacitated it is usually in a non-lethal often comical manner (that sign for the Hard Knocks saloon fell down and hit that guy. Visual pun!). Additionally while there are plenty of African-American characters, there are no racial politics. Lord Bowler is black and this is never mentioned, not even in the ham-handed way that the show deals with other issues. The civil war is over, right! It's not a knock on the show- I don't think it would fit, but there is a missed opportunity for an after school special.

This show is obsessed with word play. It often feels like entire episodes are just elaborate set-ups for lame puns. Which is exactly how I would write a TV show. There's an episode where he goes back home and meets up with his high school sweetheart named Annie. When things inevitably go south with a bunch of outlaws, she asks him, "What should I do?"

His response, "Annie, get your gun."

(This guy is Elvis)

In another episode Brisco and Bowler go to a town where the sheriff is a ridiculously bad Elvis impersonator. In the course of the episode he invents sunglasses(aviators, of course) and, in a nod to Elvis's later years, he eats outlandish amounts of food. At the end of the episode it's revealed Brisco was staying in "The Heartbreak Hotel" the entire time! HILARIOUS!! In that same episode a bull is chased into a china shop. Actually, all sarcasm aside, my 8-13 year old self would be repeating the episode synopsis to all his friends at school. That is if my 8-13 year old self actually had any friends... sad face :(

Additionally, Brisco County is obsessed with "the coming thing" which leads to a lot of obviously telegraphed gags like when they invent the drive through, the hamburger, the shower, the motorcycle, etc.

One of my favorite things about this show is the really stupid word play. Sometimes a conversation will start to rhyme for no reason, other times things turn unnecessarily alliterative. In one episode they have to track down outlaws named Bill, Will, Phil and Gil Swill. Is this clever? I don't know. But it is something I do in casual conversation with other adults outside the context of an all ages TV show. Wait, is this something I could get paid, rather than humiliated, for? four? fore? 4?

(A Snidely Whiplash Moment)

I mentioned earlier that the shows has a Looney Tunes sensibility. It is incredibly silly. The way the outlaws hijack trains is by placing a giant boulder in the tracks and then painting a photo-realistic landscape of what is directly behind it so that the train will crash into it. Vintage Bugs Bunny. There is an episode where a band of outlaws are all displaced pirates with costumes that are hybrids of Treasure Island and Bonanza. They have cannons on their stage-coach, make people walk the plank and are generally as over the top as Dustin Hoffman in Hook. Yup, this show was made for the me of 10 years ago.

To draw a parallell to another high point in Bruce Campbell's career, this show has sensibilities similar to Army of Darkness or Evil Dead, without the blood, nudity, swearing or horror. Which is to say it's a sanitized version of the silly parts (aka, the best parts). Unlike those movies, this show is 100% free of tree-rape. But both are campy as hell.

(Right actor, wrong century)

So, is the show actually any good? Well, I like it a lot. Objectively speaking, it's no Mad Men, but I think most people would think it's good to MST3K with a 6 pack and a bunch of friends on a Friday night. Or, if you are a Bruce Campbell enthusiast like me, it's pretty good for watching straight through and pretending you're a kid again.


Series Finale Update: Terry Bradshow is in the series finale and it is awesome. He plays a US army general who treats missions likefootball plays and gives his men orders that sound like half-time locker room speeches. Also there are a series of contrived plot devices that create football like scenarios, such as wagon wheels covering a street, leading to everyone having to do high-knees.

(He likes puns as much as me)

There's also a great gag where one of the soldiers was raised in Italy. All his dialogue is heavily accented English but is subtitled as if it is a foreign language with things that are often completely different. This entire episode gets really silly: a capella dueling banjos, a zeppelin filled with helium so everyone speaks funny, architecture jokes. Also a great pun where a convicted criminal gets in a debate about the design of the jail and says "I am an expert in penal housing." Everyone looks at him and goes, "I'm not into that." Great moment. Also, Led Zeppelin puns!

This show really ended on a high note. Tons of meta- references, which I love. It was clear there was uncertainty over whether or not they were cancelled. It ended with a new status quo, which could have been the ending or opened the door for another season. The Last episode might have been the best, it's too bad there weren't more.

Inspirational Nerd Message of the Day





Thursday, September 9, 2010

More Dolph Lundgren Awesomeness



My friend Rambo told me that Dolph Lundgren is a Swedish Batman. From his wikipedia entry:

"As a teenager he tried judo, Gōjū-ryū and took up Kyokushin karate. Lundgren now holds the rank of 3rd dan black belt in Kyokushin. He won the European championships in 1980 and 1981 as well as a heavyweight tournament in Australia in 1982. He was also captain of the Swedish Kyokushin karate team, and was a formidable challenger at the 1979 World Open Tournament (arranged by the Kyokushin Karate Organization) when he was only a green belt.

He graduated from the Royal Institute of Technology. He has a master's degree in chemical engineering from the University of Sydney (1982). He was awarded aFulbright Scholarship to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in 1983, but he quit after two weeks to pursue acting. He speaks Swedish, English, Spanish, some German, some French, some Japanese, and some Italian. Lundgren completed his mandatory military service in Sweden at the Amphibious Ranger School. During his service at the elite marine unit (Kustjägarna), he suffered an injury which had him reassigned and separated from his unit."


If he is Batman, he must be from Cartoon Network's 'Batman: The Brave and The Bold', because he has an awesome sense of humor. I would love to see a movie of him as a light-hearted Batman, cracking wise and beating up campy villains. Clock-King, Music Meister, Clue-Master, Gentleman Ghost, etc. My life goal is to now make enough money to bankroll this project. Who's in?

More Reasons I Love Comics


Rambo 3.5 by Jim Rugg

The untold chapter where George W. Bush and Rambo team up for MAXIMUM PATRIOTISM!!

Secret Six #25

If you don't understand why this is amazing, I may have to question your character. via Awesomed by Comics

Captain Cold by Doug Hills- My new desktop background.
More of his work here.