In Honor of the Start of Football Season: NFL SUPERPRO

Phil Grayfield was an NFL football player until he injured his knee saving a child. He becomes a reporter and interviews a scientist/superfan who has built the ULTIMATE NFL UNIFORM!! When thieves invade the scientist's lab and light his priceless NFL memorabilia on fire, the combination of regret-fueled flames and super-scientific chemicals transform Phil Greyfield into an INDESTRUCTIBLE SUPERHERO!! Donning the suit (without permission) he becomes NFL SUPERPRO!!

His iconic and timeless images are offered below.

Wild about highly synergistic cross-marketing campaigns, that is!

This is what a career defined by concussions will do to you.

Commentary on racist sports mascots, or just kinda racist?

More like NFL Super-Bro, Amirite!?!

In the future, football is played for the highest stakes of all!! Bright, lasery stakes!

I'll trade you 3 NFL SuperPros for something that's worth anything? A sandwich?

Really? Fumbling the zeppelin-sized laser football? Not exactly living up to your namesake, are you?

What's stronger: bullets, or ABS OF STEEL!! (Thank you 8:00 Abs)

The Team-up demanded by YOU, THE READERS!! Wait, what readers?

But what fans, SuperPro? WHAT FANS!?!?!

The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.

"The Adventures of Brisco County Jr." is a 1993 Western Sci-Fi Comedy featuring Bruce Campbell with a Looney Tunes sensibility and a great deal of punnery. It has dialogue that can be painful, situations that can feel incredibly forced, and a ton of really stupid gimmicks. In other words, this show is my 13 year old self's favorite thing in the entire world. I love it now!

Bruce Campbell plays Brisco County Jr. a Harvard educated lawyer/cowboy whose father, Brisco County, was killed by the notorious outlaw John Bly in search of a mysterious Orb that has some sort of supernatural power. His best friend is Lord Bowler, a habitually angry bounty hunter who is the best tracker in the west. His girlfriend, Dixie (she whistles a lot), is a showgirl. He also has a talking horse named Comet that only Brisco can communicate with. They both work for a society of Robber Barons who give them tasks that supply the show with problem of the episode when the overall plot isn't being addressed.

(The McGuffin.. I mean Orb)

What is this show about? It's about 44 minutes per episode; har, har har. Seriously though, it's about the importance of progress, living up to your father's legacy, time travel, faith, and whatever lesson is being imparted that week. It's also about 26 episodes total. The lessons are dealt with in a very neat & tidy, after school special manner; but that fits the tone. They aren't trying to speak to the human condition on any deep level. They are trying to entertain you; 44 minutes at a time. And any time Bruce Campbell is on screen is time that I will be entertained.

This show is incredibly PG. I'd say it is PG as fuck. People forget to fire their guns constantly and I don't think anyone is ever actually shot, just shot at. If anyone is incapacitated it is usually in a non-lethal often comical manner (that sign for the Hard Knocks saloon fell down and hit that guy. Visual pun!). Additionally while there are plenty of African-American characters, there are no racial politics. Lord Bowler is black and this is never mentioned, not even in the ham-handed way that the show deals with other issues. The civil war is over, right! It's not a knock on the show- I don't think it would fit, but there is a missed opportunity for an after school special.

This show is obsessed with word play. It often feels like entire episodes are just elaborate set-ups for lame puns. Which is exactly how I would write a TV show. There's an episode where he goes back home and meets up with his high school sweetheart named Annie. When things inevitably go south with a bunch of outlaws, she asks him, "What should I do?"

His response, "Annie, get your gun."

(This guy is Elvis)

In another episode Brisco and Bowler go to a town where the sheriff is a ridiculously bad Elvis impersonator. In the course of the episode he invents sunglasses(aviators, of course) and, in a nod to Elvis's later years, he eats outlandish amounts of food. At the end of the episode it's revealed Brisco was staying in "The Heartbreak Hotel" the entire time! HILARIOUS!! In that same episode a bull is chased into a china shop. Actually, all sarcasm aside, my 8-13 year old self would be repeating the episode synopsis to all his friends at school. That is if my 8-13 year old self actually had any friends... sad face :(

Additionally, Brisco County is obsessed with "the coming thing" which leads to a lot of obviously telegraphed gags like when they invent the drive through, the hamburger, the shower, the motorcycle, etc.

One of my favorite things about this show is the really stupid word play. Sometimes a conversation will start to rhyme for no reason, other times things turn unnecessarily alliterative. In one episode they have to track down outlaws named Bill, Will, Phil and Gil Swill. Is this clever? I don't know. But it is something I do in casual conversation with other adults outside the context of an all ages TV show. Wait, is this something I could get paid, rather than humiliated, for? four? fore? 4?

(A Snidely Whiplash Moment)

I mentioned earlier that the shows has a Looney Tunes sensibility. It is incredibly silly. The way the outlaws hijack trains is by placing a giant boulder in the tracks and then painting a photo-realistic landscape of what is directly behind it so that the train will crash into it. Vintage Bugs Bunny. There is an episode where a band of outlaws are all displaced pirates with costumes that are hybrids of Treasure Island and Bonanza. They have cannons on their stage-coach, make people walk the plank and are generally as over the top as Dustin Hoffman in Hook. Yup, this show was made for the me of 10 years ago.

To draw a parallell to another high point in Bruce Campbell's career, this show has sensibilities similar to Army of Darkness or Evil Dead, without the blood, nudity, swearing or horror. Which is to say it's a sanitized version of the silly parts (aka, the best parts). Unlike those movies, this show is 100% free of tree-rape. But both are campy as hell.

(Right actor, wrong century)

So, is the show actually any good? Well, I like it a lot. Objectively speaking, it's no Mad Men, but I think most people would think it's good to MST3K with a 6 pack and a bunch of friends on a Friday night. Or, if you are a Bruce Campbell enthusiast like me, it's pretty good for watching straight through and pretending you're a kid again.

Series Finale Update: Terry Bradshow is in the series finale and it is awesome. He plays a US army general who treats missions likefootball plays and gives his men orders that sound like half-time locker room speeches. Also there are a series of contrived plot devices that create football like scenarios, such as wagon wheels covering a street, leading to everyone having to do high-knees.

(He likes puns as much as me)

There's also a great gag where one of the soldiers was raised in Italy. All his dialogue is heavily accented English but is subtitled as if it is a foreign language with things that are often completely different. This entire episode gets really silly: a capella dueling banjos, a zeppelin filled with helium so everyone speaks funny, architecture jokes. Also a great pun where a convicted criminal gets in a debate about the design of the jail and says "I am an expert in penal housing." Everyone looks at him and goes, "I'm not into that." Great moment. Also, Led Zeppelin puns!

This show really ended on a high note. Tons of meta- references, which I love. It was clear there was uncertainty over whether or not they were cancelled. It ended with a new status quo, which could have been the ending or opened the door for another season. The Last episode might have been the best, it's too bad there weren't more.

Inspirational Nerd Message of the Day

Via

More Dolph Lundgren Awesomeness

My friend Rambo told me that Dolph Lundgren is a Swedish Batman. From his wikipedia entry:

"As a teenager he tried judo, Gōjū-ryū and took up Kyokushin karate. Lundgren now holds the rank of 3rd dan black belt in Kyokushin. He won the European championships in 1980 and 1981 as well as a heavyweight tournament in Australia in 1982. He was also captain of the Swedish Kyokushin karate team, and was a formidable challenger at the 1979 World Open Tournament (arranged by the Kyokushin Karate Organization) when he was only a green belt.

He graduated from the Royal Institute of Technology. He has a master's degree in chemical engineering from the University of Sydney (1982). He was awarded aFulbright Scholarship to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in 1983, but he quit after two weeks to pursue acting. He speaks Swedish, English, Spanish, some German, some French, some Japanese, and some Italian. Lundgren completed his mandatory military service in Sweden at the Amphibious Ranger School. During his service at the elite marine unit (Kustjägarna), he suffered an injury which had him reassigned and separated from his unit.^"

^{If he is Batman, he must be from Cartoon Network's 'Batman: The Brave and The Bold', because he has an awesome sense of humor. I would love to see a movie of him as a light-hearted Batman, cracking wise and beating up campy villains. Clock-King, Music Meister, Clue-Master, Gentleman Ghost, etc. My life goal is to now make enough money to bankroll this project. Who's in?}

More Reasons I Love Comics

Rambo 3.5 by Jim Rugg

The untold chapter where George W. Bush and Rambo team up for MAXIMUM PATRIOTISM!!

Secret Six #25

If you don't understand why this is amazing, I may have to question your character. via Awesomed by Comics

Captain Cold by Doug Hills- My new desktop background.

More of his work here.

My Pitch for a Marvel 80's Rock Opera Event

This is my pitch for an 80's Rock Opera Marvel Event, set in Modern Times. Actually I mostly just wrote the climactic scene and filled in some details. I had a lot of fun writing this, even though I recognize it isn't so much "good" as much as it is "entertaining" (I hope).

Enjoy:
The sun has gone out in the Marvel Universe throwing the world into disarray.The Sentry/Void absorbed all the Sun's energy and then jetted off to explode another 999,999 suns (in order to regain the power of 1,000,000 Exploding suns). He will have to be dealt with at the end of the story(cue: Cold As Ice- Foreigner).
There will be several scenes, apropos of nothing, of the Punisher wearing night vision and totally getting the drop on disoriented villains/looters. I don't know if this contributes to the story, but it's something I want to see anytime, all the time. This will be shown in a montage of Punisher grabbing, stabbing and otherwise silently incapacitating criminals(cue: You Shook Me All Night Long-AC/DC)
The situation has led to Daredevil being hugely important as a leader and light/heat-emitting metas highly valued, often enslaved as a resource. Anyway, the darkness leads to several humans enslaving Inhuman children who have ambient light power and holding them in cages in central park- the food distribution/survival hub in the middle of New York(cue: Sweet Child o' Mine- Guns N' Roses).

Black Bolt is enraged, how dare humans treat his people as commodities(cue: We're Not Gonna Take It- Twisted Sister). Especially since they would have gladly offered help freely. He coordinates a rescue mission where the other Inhumans teleport in, grab the children and teleport away. Once they are clear Black Bolt, standing on the New Jersey Side of the George Washington Bridge inhales deeply and unleashes a scream designed to level the entire city of New York, and likely create seismic disturbances across the entire world(cue: It's The End of The World as We Know It-R.E.M.).

We see the sound waves ripping the bridge into pieces and creating a massive tidal wave in the Hudson River as it expands outward. Suddenly everything goes silent and into slow motion. (Cue: The Final Countdown-Europe) A stage rises from the ground with speakers as tall as apartment buildings and Dazzler poised ready to rock the city of New York. Just as the intro is nearing it's end the speakers tilt straight to the sky. The sound wave hits the stage just as the song picks up. Dazzler's power turns all the sound into light and funnels it straight into the sky! Blackbolt yells again and again but is continually rebuffed by the power of Dazzler's rocking (cue: I Wanna Rock-Twisted Sister).This continues through the duration of the song until both Black Bolt and Dazzler are both visibly exhausted. She is dancing/singing/roller skating as hard as she can but isn't sure if she can take another blast(cue:Living on a Prayer-Bon Jovi). Quicksilver sees her starting to fade and realizes she needs help. He takes off as fast as he can(cue:I Ran-Flock of Seagulls). He is joined by Spitfire also running at superspeed(cue: Legs-ZZ Top), who asks "How Can I help, Oy wot wot cheerio and all that." "Distract him however you can!"


Using her superspeed, Spitfire circles behind the resting Blackbolt with her superspeed and, using her vampire enhanced strength, flings Medusa far away. The fatigued Blackbolt doesn't notice. Spitfire, doing her best Medusa impression, seductively reaches out to the collapsed Blackbolt, "I've got just the thing to perk you up"

He turns around in slow motion, expecting to see his loving queen(cue:The Power of Love- Huey Lewis & the News), only to have Spitfire punch him in the face (Sound Effect:Record Scratch; Cue:Never Gonna Give You Up-Rick Astley) "You just got Rick-Rolled, Bitch!"

Blackbolt spits the blood from his lips- the sound is enough to send Spitfire flying backwards into the pylons of the bridge, knocking her unconscious. "But I just wanted to heeelllpp..." She passes out (Cue:Wake me up before you Go-Go-Wham!)


Black Bolt, collapsed from the sheer strain on his vocal chords, stands up with resolve for one final attack. Dazzler is clearly filled with self doubt and feeling very alone. She was so involved in rocking that she did not realize that all her friends have left to get her more backup, only that they are gone! (cue:Owner of a Lonely Heart-YES)


SUDDENLY, Quicksilver appears with the Power Pack, dressed a coordinated wardrobe with big hair and choreographed dance moves. (cue: The Right Stuff- New Kids on the Block). Dazzler is inspired and rises with new energy. "I just have to believe in myself!" (Cue: Don't Stop Believing-Journey).


BlackBolt unleashes a final yell, just as Living on a Prayer (reprise) reaches it's climactic scream. Dazzler grabs the mic, re-energized by Power Pack's musical pep talk, and gives it all she has but is still clearly fading. Cut to the people of New York, all wearing 80's shutter-shades and bright neon parachute pants and sweaters ripped so one shoulder is exposed cheering her on, chanting "Dazzler, Dazzler." Her dream has always been to move from the B-List to become a big star so she screams even harder, energized by the crowd. "Livin' on a PRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYEER!!"Cut away to a shot of Earth from space. The light she is generating creates a massive beam of energy that shoots off the planet like something out of Dragon Ball Z, straight into the sun- RE-IGNITING IT(Cue: Burning Down the House-The Talking Heads)! Dazzler's speakers burst under the strain as Black Bolt and Dazzler both collapse from exhaustion. Dazzler is carried, crowd-surf style on the hands of her new adoring fans like a rock-and-roll Jesus. But much like Jesus she's had to sacrifice for her followers- her vocal chords are torn and while she can speak- she will never sing again (cue:Every Rose Has It's Thorn-Poison).


We cut to various locations around the globe where people are celebrating sunlight on their faces (somehow everyone all at the same time even though the earth's rotation does not work that way): Boston(Cue: Peace of Mind-Boston), Chicago (Cue: You're The Inspiration-Chicago), Europe (cue: The Final Countdown-Europe), Kansas City( cue: Carry on My Wayward Son-Kansas), Africa (Cue:Africa-Toto), Asia in general(Cue: Heat of The Moment-Asia), and China in particular (cue:Chinese Democracy-Guns 'N Roses), and of course all the backstreets in the world (cue: I Want It That Way-The Backstreet Boys).

The Inhumans later apologize and everyone laughs about how silly they were all acting in the face of impending apocalypse. They all join in a group hug, now closer than ever(Cue: Keep On Loving You-REO Speedwagon).

Also they defeat the Sentry who has been stricken blind by Dazzler's light show (cue: She Blinded Me With Science- Thomas Dolby). The End.

My Two Favorite Songs Right Now

Download here.
Kanye fucking kills this track. I don't think a song has gotten me this pumped up since... I don't even remember.

Download here. Amazing song. Nice to see The Hood Internet doing some original stuff in addition to the amazing mashups.

All downloads artist endorsed and totally legit. Enjoy.