Virgin Mobile CatastroFree Fest 2012

Virgin Free Fest!! An all day music festival where the only barrier to entry was whether you could click "Purchase: $0.00" on Ticketfly during the 30 second window that tickets were available. I was really excited to see Future Islands, The Dismemberment Plan, Skrillex, M83, and, above all, Das Racist (with Lakutis and Le1f).

Das Racist was playing right as the festival started, so we would have to be there at 12:00 Noon. My girlfriend, Ashley, and I were catching a ride with my friend, rather than driving ourselves, so that we could get Drunkasaurus Rex. Little did we know *ominous lightning flash* things were not to go as planned.

Problem #1: No Tickets

Before taking the metro out of DC to meet my friend in Bethesda, I stopped by Fedex/Kinkos to print out our tickets because I was too absent minded to print them out at work and who the fuck has a printer anymore? Except, as I was scrolling down the confirmation email I noticed the fine print:

"Available for pickup starting 9/28. No charge. General admission tickets not picked up by close of business on 10/4 will be released to the general public on 10/5. Paid Freemium tickets may be picked up through show day."

It's October 6th. Fuck.

Luckily, my incredibly gracious and generous friend offered us her tickets and decided to spend the day with her family instead. Unfortunately she had been our ride which meant:

Problem #2: No ride

Well, I could drive myself but then I wouldn't be able to get "Music Festival Drunk." A condition that is necessary when dealing with smug high schoolers who remind you of your wasted potential and receding hairline even though you're not that old. Mid-twenties is still young goddamnit!!

Unfortunately, at this point everyone else's plans were solidified and I would have to face the (illegally) drunk youth totally sober. Well, more sober than I'd like. We bought a six pack for the parking lot before the Das Racist show and hit the road. Which is when we realized...

Problem #3: No bottle opener

We went for that fancyish Oktübierfæst beer, which unfortunately meant it was not a twist top. I had recently lost my keys, which meant I lost my bottle opener and Ashley could not find hers.

Oh well, we'd pick one up when we get food. Except...

Problem #4: Finding food on the way was impossible

At a certain point I realized I was going to have to settle for McDonald's (the second worst of the prolific fast food chains, behind Subway). But when we followed a sign that said Fast Food right off this exit, what it meant was 5-7 miles off the exit. And even then it wasn't on the main road, but off of side roads where there was no signage. Multiple exits led to driving in circles and lost time.

We finally did find a McDonald's (blegh) but then...

Problem #5: McDonald's doesn't serve Breakfast past 10:30 AM

I know this is a comedy clichè that has been pounded into the ground ever since Big Daddy came out, but it is still some bullshit. The only things that are any good at McDonald's are on the Breakfast Menu. Serving it all day would be like printing money.

After eating our shitty high-calorie, low-taste food we were able to get a kitchen-style bottle/can opener at the nearby gas station. But then...

Problem #6: Dropped the bottle opener, revealing uncomfortable truths about my car

When we got to the parking lot, we picked up our shiny old-timey utensil and promptly dropped it under my car seat. Digging around for it really drove home the extent to which I've treated my car as a trash can. Found items included:

A Dozen Water Bottles
A Dozen Taco Bell Sauce Packeys

9 Parking Tickets (paid)

1 Parking Ticket (unpaid)

40+ Receipts

∞ Gum Wrappers
A Tangerine that felt like a styrofoam ball but was just very aged fruit

But, we got those beers opened. After downing our first drinks we realized a group of our friends was parked right near us and went to engage in the pre-show ritual of front-loaded drinking for 30 minutes until Das Racist was scheduled to go on.

Then Ashley received a text message that said...

Problem #7: Das Racist cancelled their set

The light at the end of the tunnel had been extinguished. Beauty no longer had meaning. Hope was no longer a relevant concept. 

They had gotten sick and would not be able to play the show. Meaning we'd gone through all of this, ALL OF THIS, to ONLY see a half a dozen other bands I was really excited about!! Truly, we are living in the worst of all possible worlds.

....

Well, except that Future Islands was great.

And Dismemberment Plan was amazing.

And Santigold had a horse onstage with her.

And it was kind of funny that NAS only knew half the lyrics to his new songs.

And the beer was pretty reasonably priced, even if the food was expensive and shitty.

And I had an awesome time with some of my closest friends.

....

So, we'll call it a wash.